Pauloops reality

Wow, I almost forgot this thing existed. I just need a good outlet for my emotions. Just reading the entries from frehmen year was a great reminder of how useful and benificial this journal is. I've been good this year, back to being an RA which is great, but also juggeling more than I've ever juggeled. Things with Stephanie are great, and so is the RSO, but when I combine them all, it always seems that I get a little overwhelmed and stressed. I don't know, it just doesn't feel like everything has clicked this year so far.  It'll come, I cannot wait until Steph is done with senate for good. I never thought I would dislike what they are so much, espicially considering that I was a senator at the begninning of the term (So glad I resigned!). The wierd thing is that I'm interested in taking a leadership position next year. I think I like to fix things like that sometimes. Who know, it would be a good challange. We'll see. I just hope things just mellow out, espicially after next week. I still don't have a remnent of a routine yet it feels like, which has been a problem since May. It's wierd, I've always had a routine, and now I don't.

Man, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. I can blow opportunities in so many glorious ways, I think that is the overall theme of this semester, and why not say all of 2006. Funny, I never used to be that guy, but all of the sudden I am and I don't understand! Argh. Good Lord get yourself together. Pull everything in and make it to Saturday. Then a new start thank God. Man, this feeling in my gut is no good though right now.

This is a real quick on I think. I just need to get something off of my mind before I have to write this essay. Here we go! Why am I so stupid sometimes? Where has my common sense gone to? It's usually there, but when there is a girl involved, kiss intelligence good bye and be prepared to be a fool. When you really like someone, don't leave the dinner early! Talk to her for crying out loud! Make the inititive idiot!! Espicially when she likes you! She's practically testing you to make the inititive! Follow through, do not be a nervous moran. Wow. Seriously. Espicially when you really like this one (first real interest in well over a year). God dang. Wow, why did I do that? My goodness. Jeez. Thankfully I'll probably see her tomorrow and the day after (I got the 'group hang' date!) No necassary pressure, just let it go for crying out loud. No nervousness, you can't blow it, you're fine! I you believe in fate, then tonight will not impact it sense it's all fated. (the comforting words that I needed.) Man I really really like her though. Friggin' Malaysians. She has the cutest face when she's teasing me. hehe. (cue the song "All's Not Lost") Wow, I've really liked her all semester! Relax, take a deep breath. You'll be fine. Only a stage two maybe two and a half idiocy moment. Recoverable for sure. I really feel like that one guy on "Swingers" that is so horrible with the ladies. That's me in a much more dramatic roll. I'm not as bad as the character in the movie. Phew, thanks for the spew of harmful stupid thoughts. Have a good night.

Wow, I'm so sorry I am probably one of the worst bloggers on the face of God's green earth... lol. Anyways, I figured I should get back into this because I miss Alexis and Shannon and everyone that I talk to on this!! Well, this semester is just about over (thank God) and it has been absolutely intense. I officially burntout on Friday night, so we'll see how finals go next week.
Shannon knows more about me than i thought she did, so she has a slight idea on why this term has been so intense and at times really bad. I guess I could go more into it, but I don't really want to. I'm definetly looking at the bevy of positives coming up in 2007, so I'm trying me best to consume my mind with all of those wonderful things. We'll see how that all goes. But I miss you all and I suppose that I'm just trying to get my foot back in teh perverbial livejournal door again! :-)

Well, I'm sure that you may have read my myspace blog, but it's basically the same thing. I'm just frustrated with myself and how the last four days have gone. I haven't really done anything in terms of hurting other people, and I haven't gotten drunk or anything like that, but just stupid little things, like a couple of missed meetings. I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill here, but I'm a little concerned by it. I wonder if I can have the level of reponsibility to be an R.A. next year, along with everything else. I honestly think that this year sorta caught up with me, and I really just took this weekend off, which I really needed (desprately). With that out of the way, I already know what I need to do, figure out a stratagy for stress managment, the lack of that caught up to me this weekend, and I think I need to have something in mind going into next year. You talk about re-charging the battaries, that's what the first couple of weeks this summer will be all about. Otherwise, the school year is all but done, just gotta get these finals finished. I get home on Thursday night! :-) Overall, I really don't know how to gauge this year, it's been tough, and I don't know if it has been rewarding. I'm positive that it is, it will just come out in the long run, when things are tested (my Faith?) later on in college, or life in general. To say that college wasn't what I thought would be an understatement. It's been a rollar coaster, I could be on top of the world one week, and to the pits the next. That's why this is hard to analyze (not good when I am the analyzer, I honestly don't think anyone analyzes as much as I do). Overall it's been succesful, solid grades (a scholarship! :-) ) a few friends, but most importantly my faith has grown. The best people I've met and the ones that I've grown closest to are people that are involved with the church I go to. I don't think that is only coincidence. I really feel meant to be here, if I didn't, and just decided on the experience of freshmen year alone, I would probably have enrolled at UNC for next fall. But I'll be here, and feel pretty comfortable with that. I know next year will be great, I've learned so much this year, and have so many opportunities for the future. I think this year was a hard growing experience that will be the foundation for the next three years here in Durango, so overall I feel really comfortable about it. Go summer though! I need this break!

All year I've been able to operate alone, with very little problem, but for the last couple of weeks, it's finally caught up with me. I don't know why either. At first, I wasn't looking for anything, but now, I can't help but feel a tad bit lonely. Wierd. I hate my heart sometimes! lol. I should be content, blah blah blah. But for some reason I'm not, it hurts for some odd reason, I just don't have that person I can come to and talk anytime or even an close relationship anymore it feels like. Pitty whore, I am. But it seems like everyone is a long way away, (my choice, I know) but I thought I could make friends better here then I have (dumb assumption). Now that I know the error of my ways, I'm not quite done analyzing yet. I've also closed myself up, so the friends that I have made here, I can only talk about so much, It's like I don't trust anymore. How wierd. Maybe I'm living in the past too. I'm not in Berthoud anymore, perhaps it's time to move on. I don't know, it's a bit confusing. Otherwise, I'm great, just getting by till the end of the year. Only eight more days and I'll be home for the summer. Then all of these problems will dissappear... no they won't! lol

Well, wierd stuff! I tried true meditation for the first time ever tonight, and it was wonderful, I wonder if I've ever felt that relaxed, I know that it's been a long time, that's for sure. I feel wierd right now though, I don't know why, there's no real good reason. Just extra reflective I guess. (I'm like a mirror that was just cleaned with a lot of windex. :-D) I'm really looking forward to being home so that I can put this puzzle know as freshmen year together already. It's wierd, I honestly feel like I really am figuring out who I am. That's what I've gotten from college so far, really. It's like the picture is coming together slowly but surely. I alway thought that I figured out everything in High School, Laugh! Not at all. I never really realized just how much of a bubble Berthoud really is. I love that place to death, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to explain. It just feels like I'm Paul, but a different Paul then I was a year ago. The core is the same, but some of the extremities are different. This is definetly not a bash on how bad this is, I really like it actually. I know that I've learned a lot, and any changes are definetly for the better. I'm having a tough time gauging it though. I know that my faith is by far the most important thing to me though, and that has been wonderful. That's where I honestly believe I've grown the most, which is great. I just know more then I used to, and what things truly mean. The sad thing is that there is so much more to learn, I'm only on the tip of the ice berg. It seems everyone has a cheesey post like this every once in a while, so it's been a while since my last one! lol. There you have it. I can't wait to come home and see all of you and to just sorta come back to normalcy for three and a half months. But also to know how different I am, and how much Durango is home right now. Transition is wierd. I want to fast forward to August really badly right now. 16 more days! :-D

Hey! Wow it's been a good long time! I'm sorry, but things have been good, i went through something of an indentity crises near spring break, but now i'm back to normal, if not better! Thank god! Otherwise, things are pretty smooth. I'm sick but that'll pass (unless it's the bird flu!) but it's not. I'm a clutz too, stupid concussion! ha! go me! btw, be careful when you pick up socks, thier deadly. Things are starting to get stressful, the home stretch, i can't wait to be home though. Sophomore year will be great, but summer in berthoud seems pretty cool! But i'm toodalooing away!

Name five (5) Albums that changed your life:

Crash-Dave Matthews Band
Kid A-Radiohead
A Rush of Blood to the Head-Coldplay
Braveheart (the original score)- James Horner
The Beautiful Letdown-Switchfoot

Name five (5) Songs that changed your life:

Cablecar-The Fray
Two Step-Dave Matthews Band
Daylight-Coldplay
Optomistic-Radiohead
Beautiful Letdown-Switchfoot

Name five (5) Films that changed your life:

Braveheart
The Passion
A Beautiful Mind (Is anything real!!?)
Good Will Hunting
Gladiator

Name five (5) Books that changed your life:

The Bible
Of Mice and Men-John Stienbeck
Harry Potter-rowling
The Purpose Driven Life
I kissed dating goodbye

Alright, bear with me here, but i think that I can philosophically prove a theory according to Descartes. My theory is that there is indeed a God that created the world as we know it. Alright, according to Rene Descartes, we live is a world full of doubt, and what we doubt the most are in fact our own five senses, because the world we live in is no as we know it scientifically, but one that was created. It cannot be disproven that this world is either created by a being, or a figment of our beings imaginations. By our beings, i mean that we all could be fast asleep in a dream, and that our lives are merly a vivid and detailed dream. To dis-prove that notion, take a look at your own dreams (And I know that some of yours are far fetched) but still, all of your dreams do have one common thread, the fact that down to the simpleist form, your dreams are somewhat constent to reality as you know it. I'm not saying it's possible to fly or be two places at once, but flying is a real phenomenon, and places do indeed exist. So all of your dreams are based on pre-concieved notions that are a part of reality, so there is no possible way that we could have just fallen asleep and dreamt up this world with love, science, and other people in it. Those things are far too complex to just dream up in our minds. Going along with that, there is a being that may be more powerful that can come up with this. There are basically two worlds out there, the physical, the one that with our five sense we experience, what we see, hear smell and feel. Then there is the invisible world, the one that we sense with emotions, faith, and beliefs. Our minds are split in two to experience two different worlds. You can call them realms or whatever you want to, i call them worlds because it works for me i guess. Science can explain the physical world, that world was made with atoms, evolution (perhaps, i believe this, but that could be a whole nother entry), and through chemistry, and biology. The invisble world however, cannot be explained scientifically, aside from perhaps electronic waves in your brain. Then explain the purpose of these emotions and beliefs, what does it serve scientifically to the physical world? It doesn't. It serves us, each individual being, it gives us purpose beyond reproduction to live. You see, we are too smart and cynical to live to reproduce and be a part of nature, we need more purpose then that. It is a curse to us, and a long time ago we were content with being a part of nature (back when Adam and Eve were around all God wanted them to do was to be productive to nature.) But then man and woman gave into the evil (the evil demon according to Descartes) which came in the form of temptation (another, negative, element in the invisible world. Temptation is something we all give into and makes us incontent to live our lives as we should). We were then tempted to eat from the tree of knowledge, which is actually a limit on our freedom not an enhancer, because of knowledge, we cannot be content the way we should, like every other animal in the world. "Ignorance is bless". We then ate the fruit and as a result are not immortal (which is a blessing, because when we die, we will finally find contentness in the invisible world instead of attempting to find contentness in the physical world. No matter how hard we try, we will never find contentness (which is the only gate to true and permenant happiness) in the physical world, the only way that we will while we are living in this physical world, is if we look to our emotions and faith for our contentness. In the Bible it basically tells you all of this, i never knew that until today when i was sitting in philosophy class. Phew, that's all i got right now

Sorry that i didn't update over the break at all, i hate 56k modems. But break was nice, i speant much needed time alone getting my thoughts organized and everything. School has been nice too though, i like my classes and it's nice to see some of these people again! This semester is looking good and i cannot wait to see how it goes and experience it.

I got my room ready for my holiday party tonight! Egg nog, cider, chocolate and cookies, it doesn't get any better then that! So merry Christmas to everyone early! But the Broncos won, that puts me in a good mood, and everyone seems to be doing well, and everything with brent is good, but the break will still be extermely good!! I can't wait, only one final, and one essay till i'm done!! :)

Hmm, I'm really full of that, um, what do you call it? Oh yeah! Christmas spirit! I've been as happy as i've been in the last year lately and it's awesome. No more stuff to really get all tied up in a knot about, and maybe there is something to worry about, but i'm just not letting myself. I feel great spiritually, and that's the foundation of all of this, i got to the point where i was wondering where God is in this world on Saturday, but then i found him. It was when i went on a random walk in the woods at eleven at night! It was in the stars and beauty around me. People sometimes dwell on the negative, and i'm one of them, but it's truley awesome when you start looking at all the great things that are always there. But other then that, not too much to report on, i'm cruising through finals and all the term projects! Amazingly, since i've been at college, this is the week i've experienced the least amount of stress. I figured out why i didn't feel right here, and it was the people i hung around with. Now that's changing and everything is considerably getting better. I'm fimally meeting some awesome people and basically just taking it a day at a time. It's good stuff. On top of that, my church has made me thier representive on campus for next year. That's awesome because i can start a on campus ministry and i talked to the leaders of my church about a way to get the gossiple out, without forcing it on anyone, i love my church for that reason, they are open to everyone and anyone, they never force God or religion down your throat, they just encourage you to be yourself. A good church is really a beautiful thing. Other then that, brent and i aren't getting along anymore, we are basically too different is the jest of it all. I'm wondering if i made the right choice in rooming with him. But a nice break is coming and if i can talk to him before i leave, i'm positive we can work things out and be on good terms, and that's all you need in a roomate.

Boredom is rampent tonight, i'm working a very slow night! but i'm just enjoying the time where i get to take those random quizzes and such! (thanks shannon!) I'm a pure nerd btw! And proud of it too! But what else, nothing really new! Just doing the whole college thing again, you know me! Hargh. Christmas shopping too! :) loving that it's never been this easy, i truly love ebay, if ebay were my soulmate she would be amazing, i would marry her outside on the first sunday of june. I degress. Good gifts for all this year, for all=family and extremely close friends, i need to still be able to afford college! :( someday i will be rich and everyone will get an awesome gift though! :) Youcoluous hey! randomness reigns over me tonight. Penguins dancing in the snow after a long talk about God. Yep. Snow angels and everything. They even built a snow house. I used to do that with my sisters when i was little and still lived in alaska. Good times those were. I wish it would snow already. White puffy flakes, which reminds me of crack cocaine. Yeah, at RHA, the little resident hall leader club, we were talking about throwing a mock crack party. lol, that would have been interesting. espicially considering camp hall is the ghettoist hall in Fort Lewis. All those funny lil' drunks. they played bowling in my hall with a nalgene bottle and a golf bowl, that's friggin awesome in my book. My book would be an interesting one, so that's why no one would publish it, too friggin random. I wish i were dumbledore. to be that astoundingly smart and what not plus magical, wow. he might be able to kick gandalfs ass. Couldn't you see that one at vegas? the matchup of the ages! (third and fifth that is!) Proffessor of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore!!!! (cheers!) and the bad ass of middle earth! Gandalf Stormcrow!! (lots of cheers!) on my sign, unleash hell! says the judge, then... his sign! and bam, magic everywhere! dumbledore is soo friggin awesome that he doesn't even use dark magic. Gandalf and his funny little staff, but he wields it well. and the rest of the fight, we'll never know. That would make a pretty awesome video game wouldn't it? Fight night, magic series! EA sports, it's in the game! yep, playing alot of nba 2005 lately. i dominate that shart! go nuggets, speaking of which, i have tickets to an avs game!!! my first one! my avs cherry will be popped in January! :) funness in abundance! Awesome! go avs! go broncos! friggin super bowl! i would admit i would party that night if they won, that would be soo friggin insane! ahhh! god is such a broncos fan, why else would he make sunsets blue and orange? lol. yep. if you are still reading this, make a comment, i enjoy those lil buggers! please! i donno how entertaining this is, but my guess is probably not that much. lol. guess, like those jeans from the early nineties. like calvin kline, which had a really racey ad campain. which is what i'm studying in mass comm. i don't really like that class. eight in the mornining, which in durango is right when the sun is peaking over the ridge. do you think that in heaven, the sun is like the picture of the sun on the rasin bran box. with arms for the scoops of rasins and a big arss smile? you can comment on that too if you want. Kudos majorly if your still reading this ramble. Ramble, like chris gamble, the corner back for the Panthers. carolina, where i used to live! good times those were too! lived right across the street from the cemetary. soo many trees and stuff, i would always go 'exploring' by exploring i mean tresspassing! lol i didn't know any better at the time. lol there was one time that becca stepped right into a beehive and got stung over ten times. i ran for it and only got stung on the pinky. lol, she's still scared of bees cuz of that. i think she was traumatized by the incident. sigh. yep. hmmm. what is on my head. well i have to finish this thought process! link it up to the top! what was i saying back then? i'll not cheat, i'll remember! hmm. those little quizes that shannon had. I cheated. Hah! what i'm doing tonight since work is slow. well, back when we got stung by bees, my mom found out, that was utter hell. she was pissed like the bees were earlier. well, she was working at the time, like she does now, which is really hard! like what i'm doing right now! i have a really good work ethic which i gained from her! well now i sit here at 'work' I bet you guys are questioning my work ethic! lol. oh well. i have a solid one, there is absolutly nothing to do tonight, so i'm doing these little quizes and what not. Now that i have come full circle, i'm done! adios to all and to all adios!

Well, my break could be considered one of the best weeks of my life. It was soo amazing. I feel like a new person back here. I got all of my issues fixed and what not and saw most of the people i really wanted to see. Christmas just around the corner!!! But it seems like most of my major problems are fixed! :)

I finally figured out what has been wrong with me and why I don't feel myself! I haven't just relaxed and been myself. I hope that makes sense. It took me coming back here to realize that but here I am. So what to do now? I hung out with Logan today, which was awesome and yesterday with my dear audie poof, she has really mature, i'm soo proud of her. And of course everyone else in Berthoud. It has been awesome and amazing, i've adored my break so far and feel more and more myself the longer i am here. I really need to bring that back with me to Durango next week, people would like me if i were just myself. I don't know why they wouldn't. Other then that just very thoughtful tonight, i wish i could shut that voice up...

I am finally going home tomorrow! As I get to I feel not like myself, i don't know why. Maybe it's the sickness. But i'm looking forward to it, what a nice week that is going to be! It's just going to be nice to run away from all this stress for a week and relax and have good conversations with people I love to death and haven't talked to in a long while. I hope it goes that well. As for right now, i don't know why i feel the way i do. It's wierd but i think i'm coming to grips with the fact that my life is here really. I know that nothing is the same but i don't know, i still feel a little lonely down here. I don't know why but i need someone that i can really confide with, that won't pressure me or anything like that, someone that i can share my values with. Jess was lucky to find a guy like that so soon at CSU, but you know what? I'm sure that every freshmen is like me right now. It will be interesting when the next semester starts. I'll get to meet new people and be refreshed after a new break. I need a new start here, it sounds wierd, since this was a new start, but i need to find a foundation. I need to find something (or someone) here that i just haven't found... yet. I hate being alone, i don't know if i ever just confronted that, but it's something that has changed about me, i used to be able to live with that, but i guess with the way things were in Berthoud last year, i got used to haveing people there all the time. I'll adjust, i think i'm doing alright, just a little hiccup, the break will be good for me.

I'm sooo sick now, i hate it, i've been in bed all day and when i'm out of bed i feel like my head is going to explode, i'm going to spew and my nose is going to cause a flood... all at the same time. Lol, but it's true. <> At least this is happening now and not next week! :) That is getting me through this. :):)

I have a cold, not too bad, just hell in the mornings! Or maybe i'm pregnant. Probably not, you need to have sex for that one! But i'm super. no complaints, just can't wait to go home! My grades here are awesome and i'm taking 18 credits next term! Man that's a lot!! but i know i can do it, not too worried! Exam tomorrow, i'll be fine on that one too! :) I think overall i'm in good shape